Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Reply

A reply to an email query for 150 take-out grilled chicken salads:

We provide a very exclusive product marketed to the upper classes, so I want to make sure you are aware of the quality of what we do. We cater only to the highest, most specialized palates.

We raise our own chickens at our Lake Pontarayne poultry farm in Washington State. These are Idaho Gerbers, the Boorman breed with the yellow top feathers and the extra toe, free range chickens known for their succulent taste, exceptional texture and superior fighting ability. Only three farms in the United States raise the Idaho Boorman Gerbers. The other two are currently under investigation by the US Department of Agriculture.

Each hen is cold-shocked, de-beaked and then hand-processed (we do not use illegals for our plucking, but only highly trained, college educated pheasantry artisans) and flown express to our local store where each grilled chicken salad plate is prepared to individual expectations and tastes. We have over 300 sauces to choose from, including Bison Berry Thrush and Nuthatch. Only the freshest Guatemalan avocados are used for our smesh, each gently roasted in a lemon curry for 40 minutes before basting in a peppercorn crabgrass marinade, which we pre-prepare with Grandpa Hobson’s #2 Kentucky Barrel Hooch-Flavored Whiskey, aged 18 years.

Our hens are charcoal-filtered for impurities before being dismembered and skewered. They are prepared over 800 degree coals in a brick oven custom designed for us by Martinique Boulaurde, the famous French chef and author of “Cooking Goat the Auxerre Way.” (He has a TV show, “I said Cake!” premièring August 13 on the FOOD Network.)

Each of our dishes is certified Kosher by Rabbi Ezekiel Daniel Hosea, of the Ark of the Covenant Synagogue in Charleston, West Virginia. A $15 kosher fee is added to the price of every dish. But the peace of mind you get with our Rabbinically approved culinary delights is worth its weight in bublik.

We plate our meals on Wodehouse Bone China, a superior plate endorsed by the Duchess of York and the National Basketball Association. This plate is similar to the plates used by President Obama at the White House, except the White House plates do not have a picture of a chicken on them. This is an exact replica of the plate on which Brussels sprouts were served by Jeeves to Bernard Wooster and Roderick Spode, the 7th Earl of Sidcup, at Totleigh Towers before the disaster at Shipley Hall. There is a courtesy deposit of $90 per plate (a $110 value!). Our customers may keep the plate or return it for the deposit. Deposits are issued by check and mailed within 90 days of the return of the Wodehouse Bone China plates, once each is certified to be in good condition. Credit is not provided for plates that are returned, damaged, chipped, drawn on with magic marker or otherwise vandalized or defaced in a manner inconsistent with the product’s manufacturer’s specifications. Questions about Wodehouse Bone China or its subsidiaries, Carl’s Cups & Company and Gunderson’s House of Veal, may be directed to Wodehouse, Consumer Division, Greenwich, England.

Grilled Chicken Salad $69
Kosher Fee $15
Take-Out Fee $10
Plating Fee $6
Internet Order Charge $2
Deposit on Bone China $90

Please let us know when you are ready to place your order. We will have Rabbi Hosea standing by.


Chuck said...

I have missed your writings and your humor. Very, very funny stuff.

If I may quote Dave Barry: "Yikes"

George said...

$2 for Internet Orders! Outlandish!