A Blistering Loss

Yesterday was the perfect autumn day for a game against the Vikings, and I had the privilege of attending the game with my friend Peter, who wore three Seahawks shirts despite the fact that he hails from Minnesota. We met my friend Erik and took our seats for a contest that sidelined Hasselbeck and caused the 12th Man a rare, embarrassing loss at home.

Fine day. Excellent company. Great seats. Good food. Blistering loss. Four out of five ain't bad.

The President, or the First Officer?

George Bush was today’s guest on This Week with George Stephanopoulos. Feeling that my daughter should know who our president is, I asked her:

“Do you know who that is?
“No.”
“You should know who that is.”
“Is that Spock?”
“No! That’s the president of the Unites States.”
“George Bush? On TV? NOW?”

I have refrained from drawing any conclusions and dropped the subject then and there without fully understanding her response.

A Funny Jerry

I think perhaps one of the funniest episodes of Seinfeld is the episode entitled "The Gum." In it, the gang jumps through hoops, at Kramer's urging, in order to avoid sending Lloyd Braun back to the mental institution by mentioning words like "crazy" or "nuts."

Incidentally, the Braun character appears in or is referenced in eleven episodes of Seinfeld. In this one, Jerry pretends to be a glasses-wearer in Braun's presence, and his inability to read the amounts on US currency results in Braun buying Jerry $100 worth of gum.

In "The Gum," Larry David appears in a cameo delivering what may be my favorite line from the show:

"I beg your pardon your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president."

A Reply from Ronald

A few weeks ago, I posted a copy of a letter I wrote to the McDonald's Corporation complaining about receiving TANG in a Happy Meal Cup when I had ordered orange juice off the McDonald's breakfast menu.

The good folks at the Golden Arches were quick to reply, attempting to buy off my frustration with a coupon good for one complimentary breakfast sandwich.

In their letter, they said they were "sorry to hear that you're disappointed with our Orange Juice" and that I should "be assured that at McDonald's, we continually review our menu to ensure that we serve the products our customers will enjoy the most."

There was nothing in their letter about my being served TANG in a Ronald McDonald Happy Meal cup, nor was there any explanation as to why such a beverage was being marketed as "orange juice."

What they did do was report that they served 50 million people each day, and in doing so I was reminded that perhaps my little complaint about the orange juice is small beans when one considers the big picture. 50 million customers - that's not chump change. And at least the good folks at McDonald's had the decency to return my letter, and for that I am grateful.

Which is more than I can say about the folks at Burger King, who have yet to respond to my complaint about allowing panhandlers to shake down customers (including children!) in one of their Seattle stores.

The battle rages on...

Maybe Next Year

The season for my Seattle Mariners is coming to a close on Sunday, and last night was my last game before Spring.

(Although it does occur to me at the moment that perhaps I should bring my daughter out on Sunday, which is the season closer as well as Kid Appreciation Day at the park.)

My friend Dan and I enjoyed seats behind home plate where we watched Oakland clench the AL West title following a 12-3 win over the Mariners.

Mariners Shut Out White Sox

I spent the week in Chicago and had the privilege of experiencing my first game at US Cellular Field, a state-of-the-art ball park on Chicago's South side and home of the Chicago White Sox.

It was the first time I have taken in a Seattle Mariners game on the road. I attended the game with my colleague Bill, who is a life-long Sox fan. We had a fine time at the game, and Bill enjoyed himself despite the Mariners 9 to 0 victory over the Sox.

The Seahawks visit Soldier Field in a few weeks, but that's one game I don't think I can swing.

Today's Random Thoughts

• I like espresso drinks. I like chai tea. Who knew a chai tea latte could be so scrumptious?

• I thought I saw Tobey Macguire waiting for a bus at the corner of Denny and Dexter this morning.

• Every time I see an episode of Star Trek that features Harry Mudd I become very, very angry.

• I was at Macy's on Tuesday. They are setting up their Christmas section. Is it just me, or does Labor Day week seem a tad early for this sort of thing?

• I found a recipe for a ham bone and bean soup the other day. I happen to have a ham bone handy, so I figured...

• I don't know why the animal rights activists are not up in arms about the expression "easy as shooting monkeys in a barrel." The image is disturbing and I can think of few things more cruel.

• My daughter told me there were two things worse than the kiss of death, a phrase she picked up from the these song to the James Bond film Goldfinder. I asked her what was worse than the kiss of death. She responded:

The two things worse than the kiss of death:

1. The Poke of Death

2. The Slap in the Face of Death

Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti in The Illusionist

See my short review of The Illusionist at Fourth Row Center.

Learning to Draw

A few years ago I had little to complain about as far as my commute to work was concerned. It was a pleasant walk downtown from where we lived in Seattle's Capital Hill neighborhood.

Since moving to the suburbs south of the city, however, I have had to endure the commute into the city with the masses -- fighting traffic, navigating accidents, coping with slick highways during the rainy season and avoiding bad drivers.

And let us not forget those pesky draw bridges.

But as much as I may complain about them, I like living in a place with not just bridges, but draw bridges.

Thinking About Death

Our pastor spoke from Genesis on the death of Sarah today, and in a personal moment told us what he would like carved onto his tombstone. He asked the congregation, "What do you imagine will be carved on your own tombstone? Imagine looking back on your life - how do you want to have lived? How do you want to be remembered?"

Food Critic Corner

A review of my banana-strawberry smoothie.

"It tastes like nothing. It's lumpy."
- Harper, Age 5

Book Talk

I got tagged by my old chum Rick, an avid reader (moreso than me these days), but it has taken me a while to compile this list about books. I could not think of a single book that I wish had not been written. That aside, here are his questions and my responses:

1. One book that changed your life - Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson (the first "big" book I ever read)

2. One book that you’ve read more than once - God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, by Kurt Vonnegut

3. One book you’d want on a desert island - The Norton Anthology of English Literature

4. One book that made you laugh - A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

5. One book that made you cry - The Littlest Duckling

6. One book that you wish had been written - A sixth book in the ever increasingly misnamed Hitchhiker's trilogy

7. One book you wish had never been written - ?

8. One book you’re currently reading - The Devil and Miss Prym by Paul Coelho

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read - The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich by William Shirer

My Letter to Ronald

McDonald’s Corporation
2111 McDonald's Dr
Oak Brook, IL 60523

Dear McDonalds,

First of all, let me say what is probably no secret around your offices in Oak Brook – you have the best fries, hands down! I read that the congressional cafeteria in Washington got rid of the Freedom Fries and went back to French Fries. Which type do you prefer?

Anyway, I digress.

The reason I am writing has to do with your breakfast menu. I have purchased breakfast hundreds of times from your store at 6th Avenue and Virginia Street in Seattle, and have always enjoyed the ice cold orange juice that comes in the plastic cup with the foil lid.

Today, after a hiatus of many, many months away from your breakfasts, I retuned to the fold for a McMuffin product and an orange juice. But what they were passing off as orange juice wasn’t. It was in a little Ronald McDonald Happy Meal cup (I did not purchase the Happy Meal) and it wasn’t orange juice. It was TANG, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

McDonalds, TANG is not real juice. It is orange, and sweet, but so is orange soda. Not juice. I feel misled. If I had wanted TANG, I would have ordered TANG. I encourage you to be more accurate with how you advertise your menu items. This reminds me of that fry issue you people had a few years ago with the muslims.

Make mine 100% orange juice (from concentrate)!

Me-Speak

Some months ago, my pal Chuck had up on his blog an analysis of his speech infulences , and I was curious as to what type of American English I speak, and how much of my Southern-speak I have lost.

I took the on-line test and here are my results:

My Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

25% Dixie

15% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Fourth Row Center

See my comments on the movie Scoop at Fourth Row Center.

The End of Carry-On Baggage?

Last Thursday a US congressman suggested that the convenience of carrying our luggage onto commercial aircraft may be over. Can we possibly survive without carry-on luggage?

As one who flies frequently I enjoy the convenience of carrying my luggage on and off the airplane. It's fast, efficient, and I save a couple of bucks not having to tip the porter. Besides, I do not enjoy having to linger at baggage claim with a weary mob queuing for position next to the carousel, waiting for that first mis-handled suitcase to come tumbling down the metal chute.

As much as I enjoy the convenience of carrying my bag on the plane, I will be the first to say that the era of carry-on luggage has gotten way out of hand. Has anybody noticed recently that most travelers ignore the size restrictions that are imposed and supposedly enforced by the airlines? By far the majority of the huge bags, bulging at the seams, that passengers attempt (and often fail) to shove into the already packed overhead would never fit into the tiny Does Your Bag Fit? display at the gate. These people are heading out for months-long sojourns, and they don't even bother to check their suitcases!

The elevated travel restrictions imposed last week have prompted me to think in a different way.

When I traveled from Denver to Seattle last Friday, most travelers had been prepared for the ban on liquids, and by far the majority of the travelers I saw that day were empty handed. A few, like me, carried a laptop bag or handbag. Only one or two idiots still carried their kitchen sinks.

Friday's travel experience (except for the wait at the carousel at the very end) was so refreshingly pleasant for me that I have to admit I am not opposed to a ban on carry-on luggage. Purse, laptop, okay, but luggage - no.

Aside from the obvious security benefits, three things are accomplished with a ban on carry-on luggage:

1) Lines at the security checkpoints are much shorter, and the security checks themselves are quicker. Less hassle and shorter lines equals diminished frustration and an more pleasant pre-flight experience.

2) Boarding is accomplished with greater ease and speed. After the first class cabin was seated, my United flight boarded "all sections, all rows," and this very full flight was on board in minutes. Those few of us who had some kind of carry-on merely utilized the space beneath the forward seat. Without every passenger having to pound over-stuffed bags into overhead bins we were all seated and ready to go in record time. When the main cabin was seated, the open luggage bins were eerily empty, and one flight attendant said, "I've got nothing to do."

3) Finally, with little luggage in the overhead bins the plane de-boards more quickly after reaching its destination. Instead of being held up in the aisle by some slob whose ninety pound Samsonite is stuck in the bin, I was delayed ever so slightly by a half-blind woman with a cane tapping about in front of me.

I will trade a few unpleasant moments at the carousel in order to avoid being struck on the back of the head by an errant American Tourister.

The Tennis Ball Test

Today my wife is guest blogger.


To find out if Daddy bought the wrong size underpants, simply perform the tennis ball test:


Yup. Too big.

Using Seinfeld's Line

While traveling this week I arrived at the counter of a well-known car rental company only to be told there were no cars. I was fortunate to have been near the front of what became a long, slow, angry line.

My travel agency had made the reservation two weeks before, yet when I stepped up to the counter the lady whose nametag read "Sunshine" said, "We don't have a car on the entire lot."

"I'll take an economy. Down-grade me to your worst."

"No passenger cars at all," she said.

At this point I heard a woman with kids at the station next to me say to her attendant, "You're kidding!"

"Not even a tiny, old, crumpled car out back?" I asked.

Sunshine told me that all the sedans and SUV's on her lot were already reserved for their premium customers. I asked her if she had my name and confirmation number in her computer, and she said yes.

Then I employed a favorite line from an episode of Seinfeld: "Obviously you know how to take the reservation, but you don't know how to hold the reservation."

The comment got me nowhere. Had I not been so unnerved at her reaction at that moment, I would have snapped a photograph of Sunshine's stormy expression with my cell phone camera.

They got me into a mini-van a short time later, but I have to say that I was the only person who found humor in that great line from Seinfeld.

My Kind of Game

Last night’s game at Safeco Field is the kind of baseball game I truly enjoy. The seats were nice, club section behind home plate. It was very warm but not hot. The company was enjoyable. My hot dog was tasty, and for the first time ever I consumed a ballgame dog with more than just yellow mustard on it. And the game was decided in the tenth.

A matched game, the Mariners and Devil Rays entered extra innings 1-1. During the bottom of the tenth, the M’s loaded the bases (with to intentional walks) and with one out Richie Sexon ended the game with a grand slam to center field on a 1-0 pitch.

The Mariners may be stumbling this season, but it's always good to win one at home. And is there a better way to win a ballgame than with a grand slam at the bottom of the tenth?

Coming up:

• The Devil Rays are in town again tonight, third of three.
• Beckham comes to the Emerald City for a little exposition action as Real Madrid takes on DC United at Qwest Field.
• At Key Arena, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw.
• And a don’t-miss: The Cindy Sheehan Show is coming to the University of Washington. Tickets are $225 per person – proceeds go toward the purchase of a vacant lot across from Dick Cheney’s hunting cabin.

End of the Dog Days

In villages in China, people are dying of rabies. Sixteen in one village as of Friday.

The response? Kill all the dogs. It's been pretty ugly. (In Seattle we do something similar with Canadian geese; not because they kill people, but because they are messy.)

Persons for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are putting s stop to this massacre in China, thank goodness. They are canceling $300 worth of orders for products made in China. This clever move - truly unexpected and crippling in its financial impact - will surely pressure the Chinese into ending this horrendous practice and force them to vaccinate their canine hordes against rabies. A campaign to spay and neuter will surely be next.

Without ludicrous and ineffective symbolic gestures, this animal rights organization would have no press at all.

Coming up next: the 2008 Olympics, 100% dog free. Stay tuned!